The Gift of Posing Nude

Middle-age has been slowly robbing me of one of my secret, guilty pleasures; being photographed. Those who know me well are choking back a snide retort ‘Secret?…not so much’. Nonetheless, since turning 53ish, I have found myself less enthusiastic about the front end of a camera.

Instead of a beautiful smile, toned arms, long, thick red hair; I see crow’s feet, dimpled skin, more grey. Let me put this caveat here right now…this is NOT a criticism of, or about, women who have embraced the silver. I am not one of them; and, that has to be ok. Now, back to my story.

About six months ago, after much coaching, analysis, and much to my chagrin, acceptance; I came to the realization that Kuel Life needed a FACE and that FACE had to be mine. How could I tout the creed of demanding to be SEEN, if I myself lurked in the shadows? In my Share Your Story series I request women send their photos. I require they proclaim their age. I literally put the two together, front and center.

Knowing this, I set about to override the discomfort, fear, and insecurity permeating through my body when someone would raise their iPhone to their eye. How could something that brought such delight and pride at one point in my life bring foreboding and a barrage of excuses as to why I didn’t want to be in the picture?

I don’t conquer fears by degrees. I never have. That doesn’t work for me. One of the gifts of aging, if you pay attention, is knowing yourself better. I am either a recluse at home or in an archeological dig with University Brown students in Petra, Jordan. No, really…I am.

So, how do I kill the demon that has usurped the pleasure of the pose, the flash, the smile? 

I pose nude. 

I had developed a relationship with Angelika Buettner, via Instagram, over the last year or so. I had been religiously following her I AM project. Voyeuristically examining all the nudes she posted on her account; comparing and contrasting them to my body – admiring their brave self-acceptance. Hearing them scream to the world, or to me in this case, that beauty is in courage, in vulnerability – not in fabrics. These women, each one of them, appeared majestically beautiful. Their light and force shined through every image – jumping off Angelika’s Instagram grid into my psyche. 

How could I be that? Could I do that? 

Without thinking, I decided the only way was to follow suit. (pun intended). In one of my phone calls with Angelika I told her I’d be a subject. I knew the book was a wrap. The book, a magnificent work of art and love, is published. You can purchase it on the Kuel Shop. You should purchase it! Being in the book was irrelevant. I needed the experience; the act of allowing myself to be seen – raw.

Fast forward to the day….I met Angelika at SixtyAndTheCity’s upper west side apartment. I had employed my, in this case adaptive, coping mechanism of disappearing. I was there…they could SEE me…I used language to communicate…but, I was in absentia. I disassociated. You see, I had already decided that this was the only way to exorcise the demon that robbed me from seeing myself as beautiful so the fear had to be ignored. And, ignore I did.

Within minutes Angelika had her sneakers on, her camera assembled, and very matter of factly proclaimed the roof, with a view of the George Washington Bridge, would be the ideal location for my nudity. I heard the words but could not process as I stood naked, wrapped in a blanket, awaiting instruction. We walked up a flight or two of stairs…but, alas, the door and windows had been permanently screwed shut. 

And, just as perfunctory as that idea had been executed; we marched back into Sixty’s place where Angelika turned what ordinarily would be used as a dining table into the canvas where my story would be re-written. With the aid of a table-cloth – we aren’t savages – I lay, sat, kneeled and stared into the long dark lens of her Canon Eos 5 Mark II. Angelika marched out orders- directions for my limbs, my head, my eyes. I obeyed. I soon lost myself to the experience. 

Did it work?

When I first saw the images the immediate idea that popped into my head was: “Well, I don’t hate them.” As I spent more time with them and shared them with friends and family, I started to get past the: ‘you can see my sagging skin; you can see my belly rolls; what about the cellulite?’ 

I began to see the brave, majestic me…the me that resembled all those women that comprised Angelika’s vision. I was taking myself back…allowing myself to be seen…not just by friends, family, and strangers but more importantly…by ME. I am beautiful inside and out…the body in which I reside has given me much functionality, pleasure, pain. That vessel has earned her markings…her stretch marks from creating life, her sagginess from time spent on the Earth, her wrinkles from so much smiling and laughing. I see her now…and can show her to you. 

Jacqueline Perez

Jacqueline (Jack) Perez is the Founder and CEO of Kuel Life, an online platform and curated shopping experience for women in the Second Act. She is passionate about the creation of a virtual arena where women empower women. Purchase with a Purpose™ and intention on the Kuel Shop. Every purchase, literally, directly benefits women-owned businesses. Subscribe to Kuel Life - get your kuel directly in your inbox. Follow Kuel Life on FaceBook, Instagram , Twitter and check Kuel Life where The Collective Power of Women™ flourishes.